I said it to my oldest just last night. “You need to finish up your homework. We are running out of time.” It stopped me because it’s how I have been feeling lately and realized that we cannot escape it. We ARE running out of time. Literally, every day is hopefully another fresh start to do better than the previous one, but it’s also one day closer to running out of this precious time.
We are running out of time. When I really stop to digest this, it takes my breath away. I sat around my dinner table the other night and thought about the wrinkles I am starting to notice around my eyes (which may have been there for some time, but I have tried my best to ignore) and how my boys have not a trace of a line on their faces. Their skin is still so new, their eyes so bright and innocent. They have yet to see what this world can do, both the good and the bad, and that fills me up with so many emotions I am not sure I can contain them all.
We are running out of time. I started to really feel this just over a year ago when I went in for an MRI for migraines, which turned into test after test to find out what was going on in this brain of mine. I kept waiting to hear results like “it’s just so large and holds so much information we don’t know what to make of it”, but that was never the diagnosis we heard! 😊 While waiting I had trouble sleeping and was sure my kids would lose their mom even younger than I lost my own, and I did not know what to do with that. This brain was causing even more problems than I truly had.
We finally found out that I have a rare blood vessel disorder with a fancy name that sounds like something you would order with an umbrella; “He’ll have a Mai Tai and I’ll have a Moyamoya.” We met with the Chief of Neurosurgery at USC who is an absolute stud and whose only flaw is that he is not Dr. Derek Shepherd from Grey’s Anatomy (side note, Dr. Shepherd DID operate on a little girl with Moyamoya and I DID text my family furiously throughout the episode. She lived, phew.) I am in great hands and there is really nothing for me to do besides take daily medication, get my scans, eat well, exercise and LIVE MY LIFE!
But, it brings me back to this notion that we are running out of time. This whole issue has reminded me that we have a limited time here and I am going to make the most of it. I am going to say NO much more than I used to, and say YES when I really mean it. My time will be spent more intentionally than frivolously, especially with my boys. And with my amazing family and friends who always made me feel protected in love and support.
We are all running out of time. I plan to make the best of mine.